Have you ever been a ghost? Talking at your heart’s love, but unable to be seen or heard, your presence unfelt. Crying at them. Screaming at them, begging. The letters are never received. You go insane bashing your head against the wall. Waiting and trying and waiting, not dying. Gasping for air, but nothing goes in, unable to end it. For hours and days, and thirty years. Willingly sell your soul for all the power in the world, yet no one to witness. Food turns to ash in my mouth. What a pleasure to be hidden, but what a tragedy never to be found.
I am Sisyphus. Mastering language in vain. To never feel comprehended. I rehearsed a thousand times, but she still won’t give me a moment, ancient goddess who bore me. I romanticize and worship pushing against the dying light. I am futility. I’m insane, love. You’re a black hole and I am a ghost blessed with the gift of speech and memory. All dressed up and nowhere to go. I feel and remember every moment, trapped in a prison of time. Groundhog day.
My blind and grief stricken rage fuels me. Gives me air to breathe even if only in my mind. It lights the fire in me as it burns up my soul. I—Oh, who am I kidding. You’ve heard this before. I told you this morning. I told you last night. I’ve cried out to you a thousand thousand times. Shame poisons my mind. I hope you forget me, I’m so sorry I’m here. I will try again tomorrow, be better, yes that will work. It’s okay if you abandon me I swear, just please find me once first.
Wait, she speaks.
I’m so sorry sweetie. I’m here. I found you. There was nothing you could have done, but I’m here now. Come here, let me hold you. It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. I won’t ever make you go back there. I’m here and I see you. I’m so sorry I hurt you, I hear your pain and agony. It’s not your fault, it is mine. Let me take this burden from you. It is NOT your fault. Can you ever forgive me? Come here, let me see you, my love. You were lost, but now you are found. I’m here. I understand your pain. How much you suffered, poor little one. I’m here now love. My little frog. There there, shh, come here. It’s okay. Everything is going to be okay. I will never let this happen to you again. Everything is going to be okay. You can let go now, I will catch you. It’s okay to fall asleep. I’m here, and I will be here when you awake. I hear you. I can hear you now. I missed you, did you miss me? I’m here, love. Shh shh I’m here. It’s okay. You’re safe now.